Wednesday, January 9, 2013

You Heard It Here First - Guaranteed Predictions for 2013

With the downers provided by her just-passed evil step-sister, 2013 has promised us a brighter future and infinitely more entertaining.

Son of GojillaLike many of you out there in non-sequitor land, I'd prefer to focus on rosy-colored possibilities rather than doom-and-gloom predictions. Why curl up in a ball and expect the worse? To facilitate this end, I present for posterity my predictions for a better tomorrow:

#1 - Memes will evolve to a state of AI. Social media has become a playground for humorous images of angry cats, birds, children, and politicians, and this evolution will have consequences. Online platforms will be overrun with Sky-Net (Meme-Net) precision to overtake our every thought. The Super-Meme will rely on interactive elements - much like the 2011 swarm of 'Rick-Roll' surprises. A reader on FaceBook might be presented with a quirky image, that when scrolled over, will offer an accommodating non-sequitor audio clip. For example, LOL Cat Memes will have an embedded Leroy Jenkins audio scream. Pack for Mexico now.

#2 - Television commercials will be developed by the public. We're going to see it during the Superbowl this year, and the idea will spread. Much like the transition from original jingles, ala Oscar Meyer, to well-known indie music clips, ala iPod 'Jet', advertisers will realize the cost-effectiveness of running contests for the best commercial for Trojan Brands, Clearasil, and Hungry Man Dinners. Of course, the companies will retain all rights to all entries.

#3 - There will a social media platform revolution. Just as Facebook steam-cleaned the popularity of MySpace, expect a new online time-waster to come your way courtesy of a few college drop-outs living in their Mom's garage. The new online destination will take a page from Zuckerberg's playbook and farm your personal information and shared images, but what will set it apart will be the pairing with Google Ad-Sense and similar companies to pay the content originator a slice of the advertising pie. While the new, as of yet un-named platform might cull 80% of the profits, the content poster will get a nice fat check of $1.35 or so each month for those readers who click the link for Victoria Secret's new line of Grannie Panties.


#4 - Still reeling from the continued popularity of, 'Downton Abbey', Masterpiece Theater reacts to urgings from Canadian Public Broadcasting and purchases the syndication rights to 'Trailer Park Boys.' The seven-season drama explores the complex relationships of a gentry-absent community in Nova Scotia. Personally, it won't matter to me, as I've seen all 56 episodes already.

#5 - Downton Abbey will be grabbing headlines again, as fans rebel in mid-June over the argument of when the show 'jumped the shark.' One camp will stand firm that it was when the war lasted only two episodes, and the other when Shirley McLaine signed on as Elizabeth McGovern's mother. Each side will be supported by members of the internet policing agency, Anonymous. Demonstrations will collapse in 2023 when Amazon.com refuses to sell any more reproduction Guy Fawkes masks.

#6 - By mid-Fall, Apple executives will have realized they should have put more research funding into the I-Jobs platform, a mobile device designed to retain the cerebral activity of tech guru Steve Jobs. Apple products will begin to show-up in Dollar Stores, and Microsoft and other companies regain their market share of public gullibility. With no guru to protect the world, the Walt Disney Co. will thaw out their old man, who will launch a Mickey Mouse java application copyrighting everything on the planet under the ownership of the ABC network. (See SkyNet above.)

#7 - With massive a second wave of unemployment running rabid world-wide, thanks largely to the death-plunge of Apple, tens of millions of Americans leave the states to look for menial work overseas in countries such as Senegal and Bangladesh. Undocumented Americans, hired from in front of derelict Best Buys, will find sporadic work as application programmers, keyboard cleaners, and Wi-Fi hotspots.

#8 - The world as a collective consciousness will begin recognizing North Korea as a existing, sovereign nation after the 85th Academy Awards celebration. This year, the entire city of Pyongyang, DPRK, will win the Oscar for 'Best Actor' for their portrayals in the film, Red Chapel. There will be much rejoicing and the Great Leader himself will accept the award on behalf of his loving people.

#9 - Lorne Michaels will fully realize the cost-effectiveness, quality, and simplicity of the 2013 season of Saturday Night Live by firing most of the cast and crew, then re-structuring the show to expand into a 2-hour block of Weekend Update. Ratings will skyrocket, and Chevy Chase and Jane Curtin will be brought back in as mentors and senior correspondents. In a similar media move of ratings increase, Al Jazeera will purchase CBN in a peaceful stock leverage in late Spring.

#10 - Due to the unusually normal winter conditions of 2013, the Occupy movement will decide collectively to limit all winter demonstrations to Boca Raton, Florida, and all summer demonstrations at Bonnaroo.