Saturday, August 28, 2010

I don't think your wife likes me

That's not bad, is it? After all, you need at least one thing to rebel against, and if that happens to be hanging out at a bar and getting drunk with me once a week, then who's really getting hurt? Come on, don't let the dried-up old wind-bag drain all of your testosterone.

"Spouses tend to attach negative feelings toward relationships their significant others tender outside of the marriage," says Dr.Rachel Helmfeld, a Reuters source for family issues. "Even in a stable environment, the unknown factor of potential infidelity over takes common sense, and the marriage carries a burden of imagined stress. It's generally best if men do not seek and nurture relationships beyond the boundaries of their home if they wish to maintain harmony with their better halves."

In rebuttal: "Horse-pucky."

There are perhaps no instances where I have truly been great friends with both parties in an opposite relationship. There have been tolerances, sure. Points of common interests, occasionally. Times when I could hit the town with either of them without the other - never. If the guy is my friend, there has always been a rush to get home to avoid trouble. WITHOUT FAIL. If the friend is a woman, well, that just leads to trouble on both sides. 

I'd like to think, in a perfect world, where relationships are based on intelligence and logic, that irrational jealousy and plain stupidity could not find a patch of possibility to take root. That's just me. Wouldn't it be nice to head out for a night away from your own issues to commiserate with a close buddy, someone who knows you better than your own mother, without having to worry of timetables and perceived infidelity? Of course it would, but trust me, it'll never happen. Jealousy will always rear it's ugly head.

But you can't give in. To do so would endager every sanity cell still hiding in that outwardly co-dependent brain of yours. You NEED to buck the system and enjoy time apart. A man can only take so much cuddling before he is required to undergo some manliness-recharging ceremony, like killing a deer with his teeth and a replica Rambo knife (Part II, not III- that one was too over the top.) It's why we can't help blaming the dog at the dinner table, or finding time to pick our teeth with a two-penny nail during your mother's weekly visit. If we don't have these outlets, we will simply explode.

"A repression of male expression is undoubtedly detrimental," says Dr. Hugo Ravensguard, Professor of Awesomness at the University of Las Vegas. "Case studies have shown evidence of physical scarring, mental abuse and early retirement. For example, look at our lab chimpanzees. Those males that are are denied a weekly diet of buffalo wings, MGD and Monday Night Football soon experince genital loss and severe apathy. It's the saddest thing I've ever seen."   


Do yourself a favor. Be prepared. The next time I call, and there will be a next time, be ready. If your wife begins to complain, throw her over your knee, spank her, and tell her there's more where that came from when you get home if she's a good girl. And for God's sake, tell her to mind her own business. If that doesn't work, promise to buy her something from the non-sequitor store.